*Change*

I woke up on a soaking wet pillow, my eyes burning, my head throbbing in pain, feeling exhausted from the sleep. I didn’t move, didn’t grab the aspirin that was perfectly within my reach. I laid there with my puffy eyes open, squinting till my retina adjusted to the sunlight filtering in through my balcony doors. The fresh sunlight made no difference to me, in my head the day was gloomy with heavy pointless rains outside. I was worried instantly about how many day was going to go, I could feel the anxiety creeping in. I found no motivation to get out of bed, freshen up and appreciate the beautiful sunny day and make it productive. I mean, where was the motivation going to come from? I was so exhausted emotionally. All I had seen people do in the last 5 months was leave. It wasn’t even about love anymore. I already knew I was hard to love, I had just figured that I was easy to leave as well and it bothered me. There was self pity, anger and hurt all mixed in a pot. There was a “why me?!” aspect to it too. I didn’t want to burst into tears, I hated that I had no control over when I wanted to cry and when not anymore.
Just as all those thoughts were going through my head, I felt my head throbbing harder and just then a thought rushed through my mind “Change is the rule of nature”. I remember exactly where I had first read it, it was at home in India, on mumma’s big old cupboard printed poorly on a paper stuck to the cupboard by a tiny piece of magnet. She told me those words were a part of a bigger verse from the “Bhagavad Gita”. I remember asking her why she has it on her cupboard as it is very unlike her to put up quotes on cupboards or around the house particularly from religious texts. She told me she was at the Xerox photocopy shop a few days back getting some documents photocopied and the shop keeper having no change made her want to even out the amount by getting a few verses from the Gita that she had seen in the tiny shop’s over crowded bulletin board printed. The words “Change is the rule of nature” had crossed my head a lot of times before making me think and brood. But those words coming to my head on this day of me lying in bed with a head ache was somehow different. It all made sense. Everything that is naturally occurring in life, in the universe is different and is subject to change. The galaxies and stars, the star systems, the solar system, the planets, earth, the seasons, the sunlight, the wind, the rain, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the colours, features of a face, our finger prints, our souls, our feelings, the concept of good and bad, all different, all changing with time. When all of this rushed through my head, I knew I had to get through the day, give life another chance, be ok with change. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could to squeeze out the tears that had accumulated. I told myself “you have to get through the day, just today, we will take one day at a time, it might be worth it and the only way you can find out if it is, is if you push your blanket aside and get your feet out of the bed and moving”.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s