*Change*

I woke up on a soaking wet pillow, my eyes burning, my head throbbing in pain, feeling exhausted from the sleep. I didn’t move, didn’t grab the aspirin that was perfectly within my reach. I laid there with my puffy eyes open, squinting till my retina adjusted to the sunlight filtering in through my balcony doors. The fresh sunlight made no difference to me, in my head the day was gloomy with heavy pointless rains outside. I was worried instantly about how many day was going to go, I could feel the anxiety creeping in. I found no motivation to get out of bed, freshen up and appreciate the beautiful sunny day and make it productive. I mean, where was the motivation going to come from? I was so exhausted emotionally. All I had seen people do in the last 5 months was leave. It wasn’t even about love anymore. I already knew I was hard to love, I had just figured that I was easy to leave as well and it bothered me. There was self pity, anger and hurt all mixed in a pot. There was a “why me?!” aspect to it too. I didn’t want to burst into tears, I hated that I had no control over when I wanted to cry and when not anymore.
Just as all those thoughts were going through my head, I felt my head throbbing harder and just then a thought rushed through my mind “Change is the rule of nature”. I remember exactly where I had first read it, it was at home in India, on mumma’s big old cupboard printed poorly on a paper stuck to the cupboard by a tiny piece of magnet. She told me those words were a part of a bigger verse from the “Bhagavad Gita”. I remember asking her why she has it on her cupboard as it is very unlike her to put up quotes on cupboards or around the house particularly from religious texts. She told me she was at the Xerox photocopy shop a few days back getting some documents photocopied and the shop keeper having no change made her want to even out the amount by getting a few verses from the Gita that she had seen in the tiny shop’s over crowded bulletin board printed. The words “Change is the rule of nature” had crossed my head a lot of times before making me think and brood. But those words coming to my head on this day of me lying in bed with a head ache was somehow different. It all made sense. Everything that is naturally occurring in life, in the universe is different and is subject to change. The galaxies and stars, the star systems, the solar system, the planets, earth, the seasons, the sunlight, the wind, the rain, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the colours, features of a face, our finger prints, our souls, our feelings, the concept of good and bad, all different, all changing with time. When all of this rushed through my head, I knew I had to get through the day, give life another chance, be ok with change. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could to squeeze out the tears that had accumulated. I told myself “you have to get through the day, just today, we will take one day at a time, it might be worth it and the only way you can find out if it is, is if you push your blanket aside and get your feet out of the bed and moving”.

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Distance and Death

My best friend from school once told me that “There is always separation in true love. It happens either by distance or death”. I very well remember thinking how could a 8th grader know this? How can she be sure? She was a year younger than all of us 8th graders but yet so very mature. That thought however has remained with me since.
We sat by the doors of our opposite dorm rooms at 12AM and spoke about the theory all night. And today 9 years later, I don’t think she remembers having that conversation with me but I surely know that the thought I held on to for years has come true.

I often wondered through the years if what she told me was true and if all the people in a long lasting relationship are even in true love? I mean how could they be? There is always a separation right? I even wondered if she even knew what she was saying that night. We were 8th graders and all we knew about relationships was the spelling and nothing more. I don’t know what it was about that night but what she said has had such an impact on my thoughts on love while I grew up. I was always scared of love in a way. I mean whats the point of finding true love when you can’t have it forever? but also what’s the point of having love that isn’t true? That didn’t stop me from having my fair share of boyfriends though and thinking each time that he was the one. None of them ended well. I’m single now! They all ended because they were immature relationships not because of the true love and separation theory.

One evening, a year and a half ago, when I least expected a man I can only describe if you met me walked into my life. Full of energy, humility and an amazing sense of humour. I knew instantly and quite weirdly that that moment was the start of something unexplainably magical. Weirdly because things like that only happen in the movies but yes it happened to me that evening. Two weeks later we were in love! Yes I had him, all to myself.

In the 1 year and 6 months of us being together the theory of love and separation crossed my mind several times giving me shivers because I knew what I was into. It was true love. But I didn’t want to say out loud, scared that a 8th grader’s theory would come true.
And it did on April 18th, 2017. While I write this I don’t have him anymore. He isn’t mine. The separation did happen but through distance and I’m glad each day the it wasn’t death.