*Change*

I woke up on a soaking wet pillow, my eyes burning, my head throbbing in pain, feeling exhausted from the sleep. I didn’t move, didn’t grab the aspirin that was perfectly within my reach. I laid there with my puffy eyes open, squinting till my retina adjusted to the sunlight filtering in through my balcony doors. The fresh sunlight made no difference to me, in my head the day was gloomy with heavy pointless rains outside. I was worried instantly about how many day was going to go, I could feel the anxiety creeping in. I found no motivation to get out of bed, freshen up and appreciate the beautiful sunny day and make it productive. I mean, where was the motivation going to come from? I was so exhausted emotionally. All I had seen people do in the last 5 months was leave. It wasn’t even about love anymore. I already knew I was hard to love, I had just figured that I was easy to leave as well and it bothered me. There was self pity, anger and hurt all mixed in a pot. There was a “why me?!” aspect to it too. I didn’t want to burst into tears, I hated that I had no control over when I wanted to cry and when not anymore.
Just as all those thoughts were going through my head, I felt my head throbbing harder and just then a thought rushed through my mind “Change is the rule of nature”. I remember exactly where I had first read it, it was at home in India, on mumma’s big old cupboard printed poorly on a paper stuck to the cupboard by a tiny piece of magnet. She told me those words were a part of a bigger verse from the “Bhagavad Gita”. I remember asking her why she has it on her cupboard as it is very unlike her to put up quotes on cupboards or around the house particularly from religious texts. She told me she was at the Xerox photocopy shop a few days back getting some documents photocopied and the shop keeper having no change made her want to even out the amount by getting a few verses from the Gita that she had seen in the tiny shop’s over crowded bulletin board printed. The words “Change is the rule of nature” had crossed my head a lot of times before making me think and brood. But those words coming to my head on this day of me lying in bed with a head ache was somehow different. It all made sense. Everything that is naturally occurring in life, in the universe is different and is subject to change. The galaxies and stars, the star systems, the solar system, the planets, earth, the seasons, the sunlight, the wind, the rain, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the colours, features of a face, our finger prints, our souls, our feelings, the concept of good and bad, all different, all changing with time. When all of this rushed through my head, I knew I had to get through the day, give life another chance, be ok with change. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could to squeeze out the tears that had accumulated. I told myself “you have to get through the day, just today, we will take one day at a time, it might be worth it and the only way you can find out if it is, is if you push your blanket aside and get your feet out of the bed and moving”.

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Distance and Death

My best friend from school once told me that “There is always separation in true love. It happens either by distance or death”. I very well remember thinking how could a 8th grader know this? How can she be sure? She was a year younger than all of us 8th graders but yet so very mature. That thought however has remained with me since.
We sat by the doors of our opposite dorm rooms at 12AM and spoke about the theory all night. And today 9 years later, I don’t think she remembers having that conversation with me but I surely know that the thought I held on to for years has come true.

I often wondered through the years if what she told me was true and if all the people in a long lasting relationship are even in true love? I mean how could they be? There is always a separation right? I even wondered if she even knew what she was saying that night. We were 8th graders and all we knew about relationships was the spelling and nothing more. I don’t know what it was about that night but what she said has had such an impact on my thoughts on love while I grew up. I was always scared of love in a way. I mean whats the point of finding true love when you can’t have it forever? but also what’s the point of having love that isn’t true? That didn’t stop me from having my fair share of boyfriends though and thinking each time that he was the one. None of them ended well. I’m single now! They all ended because they were immature relationships not because of the true love and separation theory.

One evening, a year and a half ago, when I least expected a man I can only describe if you met me walked into my life. Full of energy, humility and an amazing sense of humour. I knew instantly and quite weirdly that that moment was the start of something unexplainably magical. Weirdly because things like that only happen in the movies but yes it happened to me that evening. Two weeks later we were in love! Yes I had him, all to myself.

In the 1 year and 6 months of us being together the theory of love and separation crossed my mind several times giving me shivers because I knew what I was into. It was true love. But I didn’t want to say out loud, scared that a 8th grader’s theory would come true.
And it did on April 18th, 2017. While I write this I don’t have him anymore. He isn’t mine. The separation did happen but through distance and I’m glad each day the it wasn’t death.

Nature’s phenomenon.

Don’t you just love when it rains? I mean why wouldn’t you? The whole concept of it is so beautiful! All the forms of it, be it clouds, hailstones, snow or even the storm that accompanies the rain which brings lightning and thunder- are nature’s most raw beauties.

I love how essential the rain is for life on this planet.
I love how the rain makes me feel, how it instantly gives me this peace of mind, how it gets the serotonin in my brain gushing and rushing.
I love how rain is a nice kind of gloomy weather for me and has never once made me sad.
I love how the rain makes most people slide back into their sheets, making them happily give a miss to whatever they had to do next.
I love how the rain can put people at ease when they sit by the window having their legs stretched out with a hot cup of anything and a book.
I love how just for a moment the rain unapologetically gets everything and everyone to a standstill and demands them to acknowledge it’s presence.
I love how in monsoon people add colour to the streets by bringing out their colourful boots, coats and umbrellas. The streets look like a watercolour master piece.
I love how people dance, sing, kiss, hug in the rain and embrace it.
I love how people not wanting to embrace the rain all the time share umbrellas or run and look for shelter and stand quietly next to complete strangers and look up at the sky all at once hoping for it to stop.
I love how when it rains some people put their arms out wanting to get selectively drenched.
I love the feel of rain, the perfectly shaped raindrops, the million snowflakes that are so unique from one another, though made up of the same chemical composition.
I love the moistness and smells the rain leaves behind.
I love how the rain leaves puddles behind and makes a mess of the un-cemented mud, reminding me of all the beautiful imperfections.
I love how city lights gleam in the rain and after it has stopped. The gleaming, without any reason brings me a feeling of nostalgia.
I love how the rain adds this “natural phenomenon” element to photography.
I love how the photos in the rain can equally convey feelings of extreme sadness and happiness, all at the same time.
I love how lighting and thunder prove to me in the most simple way that light travels faster than sound.
I love the memory of my childhood where thunderstorms kept me up all night, not because I was scared like a normal kid but because I was fascinated by the whole concept. I could stare into the dark sky for hours waiting for it to light up again!
I love how when in a stormy weather an aeroplane is compelled to pass through the dense clouds and you see nothing but a whitish grey mist outside your window while the plane experiences a turbulence.
I love how this turbulence excites me and also puts me to an instant sound sleep instead of making me clinch my seat. And I love that I have met another person with the same weird tendency.
I love how this gushing through the clouds leaves behind a trail of moisture and water droplets on the plane window, making me feel like I have experienced rain in it’s most primitive state.
I love how the rain makes everything so much more beautiful than it is supposed to be, don’t you?

Not knowing.

There are various ways the pain behind seeing what others have and wanting it for yourself arises:
You just hopelessly want what they have, you don’t know why you want it but you just do.
You know deep within for whatever reason that you can never have it.
You know that you could have had it, had things at one point in life gone differently but now that you are on the path where you are hoping things had happened differently, you know you can never go back in time and hop on the path leading to what you want.
You know you have the ability to get it but you just don’t know how or what you have to do to get it.

The most painful of them all you ask me?

The last one. Being helpless, not knowing what you could differently or not knowing what you are doing wrong or just not knowing where to begin is torturous!